On this page, I'll post some jottings and put up some MP3 files of bits from the  Citizen Kafka Radio Show (may contain frank language) of the 1980's and beyond.


  Today this page is brought to you by EZpants. Get in the fast lane to exquisite comfort with EZ pants from the makers of Ballon Seat Briefs. Those in the know follow the sign that says : "EZ pants only".

And by The Andy Devine Pavilion of Urology at Mt. Sinail hospital - "Have we got a Catheter for you!"


               Community Bulletin Board

June 10th.

9PM at the Williamsburgh Theosophical center at 451 Bedfrog Avenue - a lecture on the transcendental puppetry of Madame Blavatsky will be followed by a performance in shadow puppets, hand puppets, tableaux vivantes and mouse carcasses of her 1908 trilogy, The Excrement of Spirit including the "Hokey Pokey" which was written for its Warsaw premiere by Leo Delibes. Stick around for the meet and greet with director Jacques Muldoon-Toody and the Theosophical Society pirogi and kielbasa buffet with contributions from Williamsburgh's trendiest restaurants including The Pompous Gourmand and the indie orthodox Dominican fusion cuisine of  The Hip Chassid. A $75 donation will be hypnotically suggested.

June 17th.
It’s a three - borough 25 mile “Cycle for Myanmar” sponsored by Doc Otto health products. Participants will receive a red and blue plastic wristband and free bottles of the Doc’s all na
tural Peppywater - “The pure refresher charged with the power of mammalian adrenals”. Gather at The norhwest corner of Brooklyn’s “Lavrenty Pavlovich Beria” Park at 9AM and “saddle up” to show your support for Myanmar’s military junta.

June 20th
Come to the gymnasium of The High School of Sanitation, 105 Mother Mertz Boulevard in Maspeth for Interfaith Paintball “Wallopalooza ‘09”
Last years’ champs - The Chabad Lubavitchers are looking to repeat but a strong Brothers of the Sacred Apocrypha squad is thinking upset. The big splash is set for 2 PM.


June 21st
The New York City Rent Stabilization Board again hosts its yearly black tie  Golden Harvest  Festival. Events will include the three hour
Speed Eviction competition, World’s Sexiest Sl
umlord contest and presentation of the Michael R. Bloomberg Public Domain Award given each year to New York’s most imaginative real estate speculator. Admission is whatever you think is right delivered in fifties in a plain white business envelope. Hey, do the right thing - cash only. 8PM at Trump Kremlin West  formerly Saint Vincent’s Hospital. 85 Seventh Avenue.


It’s the Sandals ‘n Socks Film Festival at The Clutch Cargo Space celebrating the marginally entertaining and the obscurely disturbing in cinema.

June 14th

  At the Art Hole screening annex of the Clutch Cargo Space - from 1975, it's Abe Beam the Avenger. A shelved public service animation project featuring the diminuative mayor as "The Caped Comptroller". The Democratic machineboy opens the Daily News and reads: "Ford to City: Grop Dead", swigs his Metamucil, dons his oversized cape and mask and flies to the nation's capitol to wreak havoc on the sneering survivors of the Nixon administration.

June 23rd
From 1953, Droopy Dogg in “Mounting Anxiety” shown uncensored and uncut for the first time.
June 24th

Terry Zwigoff’s biopic : “Bushmiller” examines the influence of post World War 2 nihilistic philosophy on the artless inking and joyless comedy of the long-syndicated cartoonist.
June 25th
You can see the strings and the cameraman’s shadow in the ultra low budget 1960 Japanese sci-fi thriller - “Zets the Destroyer” A gigantic horned radioactive Schnauzer destroys Tokyo.

June 26th A bad batch of corn dogs terrorizes a small desert town in the 1970 shocker - “Cramps” featuring William Bendix as a desperate carnival manager, his last role.




June 29th
The Workman’s Circle presents “Snip - Snip the Moyhel” and “Daffy Dov” in “Orthodox Seltzer Fight” Bring the whole mishpukah to The Ladies’ Mikvah Association Community center Avenue Z and Sea of Azov Boulevard  7PM . Proceeds fund the retreading of the Mitzvah Tanks 3rd Armored Division.

June 30th
The mystification of the human body is probed in “The Mass Naked Photography Project” hosted by KFKA’s own Buddy Fortune. Participants will gather at the Manhattan approach to the Williamsberg Bridge at 10 PM then proceed to Buddy’s Park Avenue apartment (in Union City New Jersey.) ....Free.


 September 9: "The Crazy Pops Summer Bopathon Under the Stars" continues this month with the ska-delic post monk sounds of the Meher Wagner Love Machine. Come and sway soundlessly, eyes tightly shut starting at nine or when lavender gloaming becomes Kandinsky just-night.

September 12: The central Queens premiere of the jazz opera - “Kaddish for Clarabelle”. A command seven hour performance by the Hubert Humphrey trio. Behind the sliding pond at I.S. 241 playground, 34-14 Louima Blvd.,Queens.

Oct. 1: Grab a courtesy mitzvah tank at any of five midtown locations, head for high holy hijinks at the Lubovitch Passover powwow, and get a one dollar cash rebate. Avenue Y and the desert in Boro beach.
  This autumn the clutch cargo space explores the trans-ethnic enigma in cinema: 

Oct.5: “the Tibetan prayer wheel of fortune” hosted by those twin divas of Japanese puppet scifi - Fern and Edna Mothra

Oct.12 : the 1933 MGM comic romp - “A Night Best Forgotten” (Comrade Daisy) featuring a cameo appearance by Joseph Stalin.

Oct.26 : Eisenstein anticipates Disney in the 1919 animated epic - “Patriotic Duck”.
  At the Clutch Cargo Space - 125 Transmigration Alley in Ohho.




  The difference between a violin and a fiddle

If it plays in tune above a high "B", it's a violin

If it's being played in the subway, it's a fiddle

If the player has dental coverage, it's a violin

Violin playing is characterized by subtle bowing techniques such as spicato, sul pontecello, ricochet, marcato and tenuto. Fiddle bowing is characterized by the shuffle, double shuffle, Georgia shuffle and The whorehouse buzzsaw.

A fiddle is uninsured.

The top of a fiddle is usually covered with a layer of rosin dust known to Methodists as "Satan's Dandruff"

If it's left in the back of a cab and the owner offers a reward for its return. it's a violin

Viloinists suffer from Tendonitis and Carpal Tunnel Syndrome from practicing six hours a day. Fiddlers suffer from Blinding Hangovers.

                                           NY Nightlife
   And don’t forget Velda and Paco’s Pigeon Jungle. Velda’s Estonian-trained costume staplers will have you screaming in disbelief at the antics of New York’s own bacteria bombers. Watch Blinky, No-Toe, Cap’n Baldy and the others strut their stuff every Tuesday night. Remember there are always five shows an hour one to four AM at Velda and Paco’s Pigeon Jungle. That’s at the loading dock of the Extremely Fortunate Trading Company Number 14 Canal Street.
                   Last Minute Shopping
 This holiday season think inside the box for one of a kind gifts and decorations. For 60 to 90 days, the Rikers Island Gift Shoppe will be open 9 to 9 for your special shopping needs. Inmate artists and craftsmen offer unique values like this macramé condom caddy only $29.99. Woven asbestos Santa crack pipe cozy - $19.00. How about these combination toothbrush / eyegouges in 3 holiday colors -$5.00. Outsider art? Check out “Sleigh Ride in Olde Central Park” done in blood and fecal matter - an astounding $59.99. Follow the flashing neon Giuliani to the Rikers Island Detention Center Gift Shoppe. Tell any clerk that Buddy Fortune said hello, slip him a deck of Luckies and receive a 40% discount.
                         SECRET LIFE OF AVENUES

Madison Avenue is of no use to anyon
e at all
Columbus Avenue believes it’s making great progress in its traditional Freudian psychotherapy.
Tenth Avenue still plays the trombone.
Park Avenue is simply appalled at First Avenue who, though a retiree with a comfortable pension, will occasionally on late winter nights, go through Second Avenue’s garbage.
Lexington Avenue no longer fits into her Capri pants.
It’s not widely known, but Eighth Avenue would have done prison time if Seventh Avenue hadn’t borrowed bail money from the
dowager buildings on upper Broadway. The Ansonia in particular delighted in making her squirm as she asked.

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